Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Light at the end of a long dark tunnel

I have not written in awhile because I had a slight slip this summer as my meds went out of whack and I felt like I was the worst person on the planet again. You may think this is an exaggeration and I have thought about just deleting this post, but I think it is important to put out there. It reminds me there is light at the end of the tunnel even if I can't see it sometimes. There were some times this summer I felt like it could be the end and even though it is really awful to feel that way, I need to remember so I can hold on to what it feels like to come out on the other side. 

Here is how I honestly and truly felt as my summer began - 

There is a cow on our farm that my husband said fell and did the splits in the holding pen and now can not get up. He tried to get her to stand back up, but she has been laying in a pen slowly dying for the last week. Everyday I walk by her and see myself, because I feel like her on the inside but unlike her I look fine on the outside and even though I try each day to get up and carry on something is pushing me down. I can feel it in my body, but cannot explain it.

 I feel like I do not deserve to have the very understanding husband and beautiful children I have been blessed with when getting going in the morning is like a weight so heavy on my heart it hurts. What kind of wife and mom can't get up in the morning and enjoy the time she has with her husband and children? This is the question I ask myself everyday which of course makes me feel even worse then I already do. It is a vicious cycle in my mind that I have a hard time stopping. Even if my thoughts may not be true, they feel so real to me it hurts. 

There are times when I can measure up enough strength to tell myself it is stupid to think like this. I mean no one truly knows how much time they have and I am wasting my time. Who does that? Then it hits me again like a ton of bricks and a lot of time comes out in tears I cannot explain to my six year old. How can I continue to do this to my family? I have no reason to be sad or stressed or frustrated. I cannot even get through this post without tears running down my cheeks. 

I have now spent most of my summer picking up the pieces of feeling like this and trying to overcome it. I am having better days, but it has been a process and will continue to be. 

 I have to say thank you everyday for my husband (who I am sure sometimes rethinks those for better or worse vows we said almost 11 years ago) Even when I complain as I sometimes drag myself to the barn in the morning, it has been him pushing me to get up and help with chores that gets me going each day. I do believe things happen for a reason and me bumping into him on the dance floor 14 years ago was surely one of the best things to happen to me for more reasons then I could ever say.

And my three girls keep me smiling as I watch them grow and learn each day. (Believe me it's not always coming up daisies as they can also push my buttons and take me close to the edge - but even that is an experience worth having.) I may not ever truly know if what I am doing as a mom is right at the time, but isn't that true of any mom as they navigate the strangeness of growing children?

I have to stop worrying that I am doing it all wrong, not like everyone else would, or I don't know anything. (These are all real feelings that I experience when I am low in life.) I have to believe I can do the best I can and that is all I can do even when I truly believe I can not do it. I have to keep living, because this is what I have to live for - 

The tail end - What are the different things in life that keep you going each day?